Mothers tend to get a lot of attention in our culture, society and even world. Different cultures may honor mothers differently, but still mothers are honored and even revered highly. And mothers often receive many expectations, some fair and some unfair, placed upon their shoulders. When we think about fathers, however, we often get stuck in the classic trope of judging if a father is being "a good parent" by using societal expectations for what mothers are "expected" to be. Some may say that a dad is being an “excellent father” if he shows up and changes diapers, does bath routines or reads to the kids before bed. For example, when first becoming parents, I recall a time my husband was going to be caring for our infant son without me around, and my mother-in-law, well-meaning as she might have been said, “Oh so Dan is babysitting Caleb today?” I gently but firmly corrected her, saying, “No Dan is watching our son. He is his dad, not his babysitter.”
This might seem trite, but it is that underlying assumption in our culture that somehow dads are not capable the same way as mothers are to be wholehearted and involved parents. And this is something we must push up against. Because fathers must be honored and respected for their specific role they bring as parents, too.
In the same vein, another aspect often overlooked in our culture and society is the actual transition into fatherhood. We have a word for it, but many don’t know it. In my own research into the transition to motherhood, known as matrescense, I easily found Ted talks and research articles on matrescense, but it took me longer to unearth the term, patrescense, in reference to the transition to fatherhood.
Patrescense is the bio, psycho, social and spiritual transformation of a man into a dad, especially during the postpartum period. Patrescense transforms a man into a dad, just as much as matrescense transforms a woman into a mother. This term was first introduced by Dr. Will Courtenay, a clinical psychologist, and slowly is becoming understood and welcomed into our lexicon of terms and experiences for how to best care for postpartum fathers. This term encompasses the changes in identity that men take part in as they adjust to their new role as dad and as they wrestle with understanding who they are now in this new role. The new role of being “dad” makes them look at themselves in new ways, face their own past, how they were parented and determine how they integrate this new role as dad into their new sense of self. This new identity may also mean a loss of freedom, and/or activities that used to make them feel whole and complete. This can sometimes be a shameful topic to talk about, because there is not a lot of space in culture to explore this transition, though this is improving slowly.
In addition, fathers experience a plethora of emotional changes as well, including increased anxiety, stress, irritability and even hormonal fluctuations that can occur postpartum as they, too, adapt and adjust to their new role as father. With this adjustment period, fathers can undergo and be at risk for mental health challenges, just like mothers, including an increased risk for obsessive compulsive behaviors, intrusive or harm-avoidant thoughts, and/or postpartum depression or anxiety (Coelho et al., 2014; Leckman et al., 1999; Paulson & Bazemore, 2010). In addition, research now explains that fathers also experience endocrine or hormonal changes in conjunction to the experiential factors that impact the challenges and changes in adjustment to their brand-new role of “dad” (Duarte-Guterman et al., 2019).
Another aspect to explore is changes in the marital relationship, role and connection. Their connection to their partner has now changed forever, as they both take on the caregiving roles for a new small, dependent life. This can cause some resentment, shame and anger to surface, feeling left out or even discarded by their partner. It is important to share and talk to your partner about these emotional needs and reach for support through a licensed professional when needed. As men become dads their role shifts in social circles, in friend groups and family circles. Loss of connection is real, and it is imperative men find safe communities to find support and discuss these shared human experiences that encompass not only the joys but also the frustrations of being a dad. There is no shame in this and the needs are real. Finding community matters so much as a protective factor. Research also shows us now that when fathers’ mental health is protected and cared for, mothers’ mental health is, too (Kim & Swain, 2007). What beautiful reciprocity that is, to know that when one partner is cared for well, the other is too, and of course the child, as well.
Another protective factor against negative mental health outcomes in new dads is involvement. I remember when we became new parents and a nurse told me to “trust my maternal instincts” then looked to my husband and reminded him to “trust his paternal instincts” as well. Those instincts are there for a reason and we must listen and bolster those internally. Women can support their male partners transitioning to parenthood by encouraging their unique role and voice as father. Research now shows that dads who are actively involved in the daily caregiving needs of their newborns have better mental health outcomes (Álvarez-García et al., 2024). So, dads, remember when you change those stinky diapers, it is helping keep the anxiety and depression away! In all seriousness, though, any interaction and caregiving a new father gives to their newborn helps increase bonding, a sense of connection, and ultimately helps create a secure attachment with their child. In addition, by doing so, these loving caregiving acts are bolstering the father’s own internal sense of confidence as a new dad.
While this transition into fatherhood is often overlooked and we still have a long way to go in our culture and society to help us understand, support and care for new fathers, we have also come a long way. We see fathers more involved in child-rearing today than ever before (Kim & Swain, 2007). Fathers are an integral part of the family unit and their mental health matters, too. Now that we have more insight and terms, like patrescense, let’s keep supporting our new dads, and all dads. And just remember, dads are NOT babysitters—they are full-fledged parents, going through an incredibly important transformation entering into a new, beautiful, challenging season of growth.
Helpful post-partum resources for new dads:
References:
Álvarez-García, P., García-Fernández, R., Martín-Vázquez, C., Calvo-Ayuso, N., & Quiroga-Sánchez, E. (2024). Postpartum Depression in Fathers: A Systematic Review. Journal of Clinical Medicine, 13(10), 2949. https://doi.org/10.3390/jcm13102949
Coelho, F. M., Silva, R. A. D., Quevedo, L. D. A., Souza, L. D., Pinheiro, K. A., & Pinheiro, R. T. (2014). Obsessive-compulsive disorder in fathers during pregnancy and postpartum. Revista Brasileira de Psiquiatria, 36(3), 272-272.
Duarte-Guterman, P., Leuner, B., & Galea, L. A. (2019). The long and short term effects of motherhood on the brain. Frontiers in neuroendocrinology, 53, 100740.
Kim P, Swain JE. Sad dads: paternal postpartum depression. Psychiatry (Edgmont). 2007 Feb;4(2):35-47. PMID: 20805898; PMCID: PMC2922346.
Mayes, L. C., & Leckman, J. F. (2007). Parental representations and subclinical changes in postpartum mood. Infant Mental Health Journal: Official Publication of The World Association for Infant Mental Health, 28(3), 281-295.
Paulson, J. F., & Bazemore, S. D. (2010). Prenatal and postpartum depression in fathers and its association with maternal depression: a meta-analysis. Jama, 303(19), 1961-1969.